love

God.

Isn't it interesting that I try so hard to show love, but I feel like I don't know the first thing about it?

I feel like I don't even know what love really is, and on top of that that I even deserve it. I feel so sucky at showing it and especially to you. So much do I feel like I fall short of what you really deserve, and it wells up in my heart and makes me feel hopeless.

I focus on my wrongs, and about me, because that is what I have been taught to , either by others, or by my self.

Your love letter say to me that I need to focus on you and not my self, but alas God is it so hard. What does it even mean to focus on you?

On top of that I don't even know how to even start time with you or what it even means anymore. I feel like I used to know so well how to spend time with you, now I feel at ends. How long do I go wandering in the dark hoping I will find you? and your ways?

How do learn without fear of guilt and reproach all the time?
My letter is filled with questions I bring before you, laying them at your alter. Take me deeper into this pain and teach me. Help me let go of what I always thought I knew, and show me reallness, fullness, and life.

There is so much I want to say though I don't like just babling forever.
Dad, you are awesome, and so great, you know that? You really do take care of me.

I know that I can't always see it, but I mean if anything look at my freeking refrigerator, isn't it always full? I always have more than enough food, always, even without a possiblity of cooking real food and having to just live out of the refrigerator because of stove/oven problems, and without a microwave lol.

Remember that Time I almost stepped out in front of that bus and you rescued me? You or an angel called my name and made me look back for a second, otherwise I would of been one dead duck lol. Thanks for that, it really meant a lot. Its nice to know that I am not dead :D

I love you dad, I really do.
I am off to bed now, it should be fun sleeping on the floor tonight! a little indoor camping is always fun :)

love you dad...